Not even hindsight is 20/20 right now.

I worry about a lot of things. It's easy for me to believe that everything happens the way it's supposed to for other people, but when it comes to my own life I'm plagued by all the little what-ifs.

Did I make the right choice taking time off after grad school? The free time I thought I'd have without classes has turned into a string of endless, numbered days. Work leaves me too exhausted and drained to make much of my evening hours, especially after cooking dinner, cleaning, and preparing for the next day. It's somehow duller, lonelier, and more leeching than the schoolwork that sent me looking for a break in the first place.

Should I have studied music in grad school or even gone to grad school straight out of college at all? As hard as I worked for the degree, it does little for me other than acting as a stepping stone if I ever go back for a doctorate. Maybe another major or an internship or an entry-level job would have been a better post-college choice? It's hard starting from the bottom employment rung after this much school. I'm terrified that I'll be a receptionist forever; I'm even more terrified that my college-learned skills and specialties have stagnated to the point of no longer being useful.

And I can go back even further -- what about all those other things I could have studied in college? What about math? I scored in the highest bracket on my AP Calculus exam. Or science? I really liked physics and chemistry in high school. What about computers? I dabbled in web design and coding and used to be pretty good at it -- I even designed a website for a church once. Or visual art? Or singing? Or journalism? I used to be involved in all these things -- any one of them could have been my path.

I wish sometimes that I could rewind and do it all over, as if somehow that would make everything clearer. But I can never decide what I would change.

Comments

  1. I know how you feel and I struggle with it much more often than I'll readily admit. I try to let things go. I am where I am. Where am I now, who I am now, that's what I have to work with moving forward. It's tough and tiring to be plagued with doubts.

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    Replies
    1. Sound advice. I hope your path becomes clearer, too. Thanks.

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  2. I had the same thoughts when I was out of school and the same thoughts now that I'm back in school. My advice is craft beer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't understand the people who work in data entry or payroll and love what they do. I want to know their secret.

      Had honey basil IPA that was to die for last week. Wish you were around to share.

      Delete

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